Michelles's still drinking

Subject: my story

Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000 12:37:34 -0700 (PDT)

From: Michelle McClellan

To: addicts@gmail.com

You are right we all try to make excuses for drinking and driving. I had done it millions of times before, never got caught, never pulled over. But one night I made the biggest mistake in my life. My excuse or my saying was , "I am okay, I am fine to drive. No problem."

Little did I know I wasn't okay along with having a long day and it being late and I was tired and I had too many to drink. My husband and I drove home after partying with friends. We had done it millions of times, went out drank drove home. We always made it home okay. Sometimes not even remembering how we got home. We would say we were never going to do it again, or that one of us should stay alittle more sobber. But we never did. I drove home that night he passed out in the seat beside me and we were on our juorney home. We never made it home that night. I fell asleep at the wheel, I lost control of the car and couldn't get it back on track.

The front tire blew after trying to bring it back on the road, and caused our blazer to roll four or more times on the pavement. smashing the blazer upside down. I woke up to the radio blaring and the smell of oil and gas. I was dazed and could see head light coming at me. All I could think about was getting out of the car and getting help. Glass was everywhere, blood was everywhere. It was the worst day of my life.

My husband was trapped inside the car, I was able to move and squeeze out. The ambulance and helicopter and police finally came. Luckily I was coherent enough to tell them our names and give them numbers of family to call. The worst question was "mam have you been drinking." "Yes!!!" They flew him to the hospital and drove me. I wish I could have been with him. He didn't make it. He died 12 hours later, he was brain dead.

I was brain dead too but still alive, I was numb and just going through the motions. He was only 27, I was only 25! I couldn't beleive what had happened, why me, how could I have done this!!! I play it over and over in my head. I will never forgive myself. I will never see my best friend again. And now you ask me have I quit drinking? No I have not!! I try!! But I don't try hard enough I guess. Am i addicted? I guess so! Am I stupid?

Yes!!

I can't make myself quit. Alcohol makes it go away for a breif moment I can be someone else, I can forget. I tell myself I should get my shit together and that I don't have to drink to have a good time but it never happens, oh maybe for a few days sometimes weeks. I am better, it was everyday, now it is just weekends. WHY?

I don't have the answer. I know I need help and I know I can stop but I don't. It is a bad excuse. I hate myself therefore I drink, does it solve anything, "No" So why do it???? I don't know why!!!

MM