Moment of Clarity

Moment of Clarity

Epiphany - a completely new perspective on my life.

I have actually had quite a few moments of clarity, but lots of haziness too. Hopefully, when they come it should be a lot clearer now that I am clean and in recovery from addiction. What comes to mind are the few relationships that I have had.

I was thinking that I get bored with women quickly. I also have the dilemma of being attracted to European women more than American girls, because the European women worship their men. My problem is I never fit in anywhere, and ultimately I expect to end up with an American girl. I find that I have nothing in common with European women. At least from my point of reference I tend to project into the future, as to how they would live with me in the United States. Maybe I am destined to be a confirmed bachelor for life; at least that is the road I have been heading down for far too long. I am no Spring Chicken.

I had moments of clarity with J, V, D, A, L, and A. All the rest were too casual, and pathetically I can't even remember a few names. This can't be bordering on Narcissism. (the names remain anonymous because of egos)

(DY with her best friend manipulating me, 1992)

J. was a woman of my dreams. Exotic, smart, beautiful, tolerant, music minded, art aware, and willing to understand my eccentricities. My dad described her with a French name: Complique, in effect a complicated woman. The problem with J. was she had her own unresolved issues that were just beginning to surface. She was committed to our relationship, but in a very controlled way. I would have preferred a natural commitment, but her last remarks to me after throwing my keys at my head, after hearing my break-up voicemail message at work, were that I was a paranoid jealous narcissist. Lesson number one, never date at work or fish where you eat, as someone told me. I recently made the same mistake again expecting a different result, and I was told your big head is thinking for the little head. This time the relationship lasted one day shy of six months. However the tables were switched and the ex-lover B. broke it off with me during a surprise stealth rendezvous that was supposed to be romantic. Instead, I was dumped because of my preference for taking a long weekend in the Catskill mountains alone to pursue my landscape photography obsession against her pleas to stay home.

With J. the moment of clarity came when I realized that we were not moving in the relationship after three years. She wasn't moving in, she didn't enjoy the exotic places I like to travel to, even though she herself has been to many fascinating countries, but with her family of course. Sex became a chore and she claimed there was no passion. The fact that she had a rainbow tapestry hanging in her office didn't lead me to believe that she was a Lesbian, just a fantasy she never had the courage to act on.

C. had two different colored eyes and was the first girl to break my heart. I was driven to my knees with an uncontrollable pain in my stomach. She said she wanted to date other guys too. I was shattered. I was in tatters.

With J., I was boyfriend number four. The other three were her best friends and I truly believe I was going to be permanent. One confession I have to make is I would listen to her phone messages; I had cracked the code as she gave me her bank code 9393, work voicemail 1313, and the home password code was 9999. What damaged me was that she would save messages for weeks and even months that her ex-boyfriends would leave, and she would meet new ones too. These guys obviously believing that she is available. She would give the illusion that she was a free spirit. I should have learned my lesson when I started out as Mr. Thursday Night, which grew into weekends. She did tell me in the beginning that she was obligated. In hindsight, I can now recognize as sick as it was, the obligation being that she could never let go of the love that she had for the boyfriend before me. This gave me more reason to pursue her.

She never saved any of my messages, which led me to believe that my love was denied. She had these secret loves and this hurt because I couldn't believe she was saving these messages for her own low self-esteem.

The biggest growth for myself was to accept the medication part. We started to grow distant. I truly believed I was going to marry her. Another bad sign should have been when she told me a year after the fact that she had aborted our child. How would I know anything was going on? She was also a devout Catholic. The moment of clarity came when I returned from a month long vacation without her and she calls this boyfriend a few minutes after we arrive at my place. I of course am on the computer and she talks to this dude for an hour. I also learn from my intercepting voicemail that she has intentions of buying and fixing up a house with the dude, and is also furnishing yet another ex-boyfriendÕs apartment, having lived with him three years ago. She was replacing the furniture after a flood.

Then I see her ex-boyfriend in her office. This was my epiphany; she claims he is helping her write policy, as he was once an Agency head. I break-up in a voicemail message after three years of committed passionate undying faithful love, telling J. to return my apartment keys. The weird thing is we never processed the break-up. My stomach felt bad for months and it was as if I was missing a huge piece of myself. I called from a phone booth in the Metro four weeks later to tell her I still loved her.

She never saved any of my messages, which led me to believe that my love was denied. She had these secret loves and this hurt because I couldn't believe she was saving these messages for her own low self-esteem.

The biggest growth for myself was to accept the medication part. We started to grow distant. I truly believed I was going to marry her. Another bad sign should have been when she told me she aborted our child a year after the fact. How would I know anything was going on? She was also a devout Catholic. The moment of clarity came when I returned from a month long vacation without her and she calls this boyfriend a few minutes after we arrive to my place, I of course am on the computer and she talks to this dude for an hour. I also learn from my intercepting voicemail that she buys a house with the dude and is furnishing another x-boyfriends apartment after three years of needed to replace the furniture after a flood.

Then I see her x-boyfriend in her office. This was my epiphany; she claims he is helping her write policy, as he was once an Agency head. I break-up in a voicemail message after 3 years of committed passionate undying faithful love, telling X. to return my apartment keys. The weird thing is we never processed the break-up. My stomach felt bad for months and it was as if I was missing a huge piece of myself. I called from a phone booth in the Metro four weeks later to tell I still loved her.

(When I was in Love with XS 1986
XS also threw her keys at me in a rage)

My moment of clarity came when I realised how young and immature that she was.
Today I regret the choice because if I waited a few years, she may have blossomed into a beautiful wife.)

Another moment of clarity when I awoke in Jail, handcuffed in the bowel of a steamer on the middle of lake Malawi. This was fourteen years before X.

Zimbabwe Veldt

My moment of clarity came when I realized how young and immature she was. Today I regret the choice because if I had waited a few years she might have blossomed into a beautiful wife. She became financially independent after inheriting a fortune. I should have known about her financial destiny, because her motherÕs house off Foxhall Road had Glover Park as its back yard. She moved to the Ivory Coast with her new journalist husband. L. now has at least three children. The heartbreak ache came when L. asked me the spelling of a mutual friendÕs name, to name her first daughter, Lenee.

Another moment of clarity was when I awoke in Jail, handcuffed in the bowels of a steamer in the middle of Lake Malawi. This was fourteen years before J.

Happiness through chemistry, with a little help from a blue Valium tablet.
Still another major moment of clarity occurred when I awoke in a hospital, coming out of a three-day coma. Possibly that was my first moment of clarity, because prior to that out of body experience I was daily perpetually loaded on drugs, clouding any realistic perception or honest awareness of my current reality. This was all self-induced, as I tried to end my life after 13 years of consuming as many drugs as I could get my hands on. My life was in complete despair because I was hopeless and didn't want to grow up and face life.

Happiness through chemistry, with a little help from a blue 10 milligram Valium tablet. Another critical point in my life was when I made the decision to quit my safari guide job in Zimbabwe. This job had been a childhood dream of mine since I was 14 years old. I was physically and psychologically addicted to several drugs. It was hard to obtain drugs in the wilds of the Kalahari Desert. And I had made a few blunders, for example giving a house maid some Valium tablets, which in turn spread the word throughout the camp and local village that I was like a witch doctor with magical powers. The word was that I had provided some little blue pills that bring on enormous euphoria. My safari guide boss would soon find out, as he spoke the native dialect. I also was prone to driving to the local African township bars in the safari guide Touch the Wild companyÕs Land Rover, which was a big no no, because that was not an appropriate association to make, getting shitfaced with the local villagers. The economy was completely skewed, so that with my meager wages I could buy everyone a drink. I also stole a jeep and cashed in some prescriptions at the Victoria Falls hospital for some Morphine and syringes.

All of these escapades led to stories and rumors about my behavior of becoming intoxicated in unacceptable and inappropriate ways. I knew word would get back to my boss. I also was wearing long sleeves in the desert. When I caught wind that I had been discovered, that my boss was being told that I was a completely inebriated safari guide, I decided to quit before hearing the music directly from him. In spite of the job being my biggest dream, I feared the embarrassment of my being seen as a complete failure or a drug addict in the eyes of a very conservative boss. Fear being the biggest motivating factor, I chose to run from any possible confrontation.

My biggest fear was that he was going to kick my ass. I quit and caught the next plane home to Harare, the capital city of Zimbabwe. The sad news is I had to be carried off the plane when I arrived because I was too drunk to walk. I remember that my white jeans were destroyed from catching on fire in the plane. I nodded off and my cigarette burned a huge hole just above my knee. My girl friend at the time, V., picked me up at the airport and I have a vague recollection that she was with her mother. Another embarrassing moment.

Other moments of clarity include when I almost drowned in the sea off Kastro village on the island of Sifnos in Greece. I stupidly went swimming by diving into the sea on a day when no person in his right mind would attempt such a feat. I wasnÕt thinking. I just wanted to swim every day no matter what. The seas were so rough that the undertow pulled me under, forcing me to swallow seawater. I was so physically exhausted fighting the current and the waves that I struggled helplessly to make it ashore. Luckily a man on the shore threw me a beach towel while holding onto it, thus saving my life.

Then there was the time I was camping in the Northern Territories in Australia. I was on an Aboriginal Tribal Trust Land, hoping to photograph the original people. I felt completely alone. It was just me, the stars, and the universe. I felt my own existence on the planet.

When I sit and watch the stream in the Catskill Mountains, I am free to appreciate the simple things in life. I am shown immense gratitude for being alive, breathing the fresh air, smelling the forest. I am rejuvenated and am happy to be alive

Other moments of clarity include when I almost drowned in the sea off Kastro village.

When I was camping in the Northern Territories in Australia and I felt completely alone.

V. wanted to keep drinking wine, so with a clear mind I got a better perspective on my life. The choice was freedom from a relationship with V., instead of kissing wine women and song. 1983

When I was sitting in a classroom in graduate school and I couldn't remember the name of the professor, or of the course that I was taking, wondering how in the hell was I going to achieve a Master's degree with my brain damaged, my mind saturated in Marijuana resin, LSD soaked Alcoholic blackout, psilocybin hallucinated, apathetic Valium diminished motivation. My brain was impotently limp. My mind was toast

Chris in 1983

When I sit and watch the stream in the Catskill Mountains.

VX. in 1983

When I am in court on a case for a client, or a family, I realize that the disease of addiction is so powerful, many can't see a way out, and they become so pathetically apathetic to confront the problem and find a solution. I in turn feel grace, hope and immense gratitude, because somehow I am reminded I have been spared and blessed with recovery. The freedom experienced from that insane, perpetual, continuing progressive crisis of active addiction. The awful gut feeling that was never satisfied by that monster guerilla habit. No matter how much was consumed, the hole inside was never filled. Humbly, my gratitude is reinforced. I miraculously found the solution and it is only explained by Grace, there by the Grace of God go I.