Daily Journal September 1995

Journal 9.7.95

Journal 9.7.95: I just found out that I have to keep a journal!!! Just came back from my Field Placement and I saw a documentary on the 2 & D shelter. It brought tears and chills to me so I guess that IÕm doing the right thing.

At lunch Mickey, who I suspected has AIDS, or I should say is HIV+ took a handful of pills. A homeless man came to our table for scraps of food this is in the Union Station food court.

I thought how strange, if he only knew that we were three social workers. A previous client of mine from my job as a drunk driving counselor was in the clean and sober program at my internship and recognized me. It felt good but I felt a little humbled, because here I was the Director of a Clinic and now IÕm on a tour as a student. He, however, was in such denial and couldn't stop drinking, it was good to see him in the program at the 2nd & D shelter for the homeless. My first day on 3 South. It was fun watching the queens doing their ironing in front of the main dude at the desk.

Heavy "D" told me a lot of his personal story, a cook for four years, and tomorrow he starts as a cook at the Kennedy Center. He also weighs 411 lbs and is claiming that he is sober for 5 years. He was listening to a preacher preach the gospel on the radio. I asked him if I could change the station, and he asked me if I had a problem with it? I said no, Heavy ÒDÓ left for a half hour we were at the front desk when he was gone, I bravely put my station on. Heavy came back and after two songs I noticed he changed it to Jazz. Another person who is heavy ÒDÕsÓ spiritual sponsor is going to be ordained as a Pentecostal minister tomorrow.

I asked him what is different about the Pentecostals and he said that they really laid on the Holy Ghost stuff, were fanatic about miracles, tended to really sometimes get overly zealous, or consumed, and carried away with the preaching aspect, you know like the Holy Rollers.

I wanted to tell him that I was a miracle for being clean 12 years, and could tell where he was coming from. But, I remained humbly anonymous about my own past life and just smiled and congratulated him.

There was a lot of discussion about throwing Mohammed out for not doing his assigned ÒCube job,Ó yes thrown out on the street. Apparently Mohammed has only one arm and a heart condition, and didnÕt want to scrub the toilet.

The cube monitor said if he could dust the top of the separating wall, he could scrub the toilet. Heavy ÒDÓ said does he have a doctorÕs notice to exclude him from his chore. Mohammed comes from Ethiopia and wonÕt cooperate. Heavy is contemplating throwing him out.

The maintenance man has sparks flying out of his floor washing machine and calls a supervisor. He takes the cord apart and rewires the plug. Clients are asking for toilet paper, which is closely guarded and kept in a drawer. The guests take a few wraps at a time.

My first client wants job training. I get the classified section of the Washington Post, and he tells me that it is Thursday, so itÕs pointless to look for a job on a Thursday. I should have thought about the City Paper, which comes out on Thursday but I do find him a few possible administrative assistant type jobs. I asked if he had a driverÕs license, he said no. Well you could always use today to go down and get your license. I phone his real case worker, a paid social worker on contract, and she comes up about fifteen minutes later, as IÕve really had no training yet. I get a call from Karin, on my cell phone. She wants to get clean. I say go to a meeting every day. She is not worried about the Percacets sheÕs taking, but she has been taking 3 mills of Zanax every day for the last year. She is afraid to stop altogether, because she may become irritated, and get violent with her 2 1/2 year old daughter.

I said by taking drugs, she is going to lose her daughter, because she is an active addict. I told her to tell her psychiatrist that she wanted to detoxify from the Zanax, Heroin, and Alcohol, or whatever combination of drugs she was taking on any given day. She said that she was afraid to leave her daughter alone with her Alcoholic stepfather. I told her to bring the kid to a meeting and gave about 6 NA members phone numbers, and that I would see her at a meeting on Friday night, but to call me and everything would work itself out.

I also reminded her of how well she was doing when she went to the detox in 1988 and got clean for six months that time. I phoned Lay, who is a girl that my friend Jim met on a movie set and told her about my photography. He described her as a smart Armenian, because she goes to two colleges, American University and Georgetown University. I asked him if she was hot, and he said that maybe her nose was too big anyway. I was seeing if she wanted to go to Baltimore, to see my photo exhibit. She said she also has this Italian girlfriend, who also wants to come. I said okay, maybe, since she has never met me, it is safe to have another friend along. On Saturday at noon, we go to my exhibition.

9.8.95: My dad calls me to tell me that the first credit card bill doesnÕt reflect the $8000 I charged on his card because they changed accounts after losing a card. I try calling student accounts at least twenty times.

I decide to call one number less and miraculously get through to student loans. It worked. She tells me after many explanations that Catholic University got its money. She sounds just like Whoopie Goldberg. There is a guy in my class, who is the brother of Nan, one of the most famous up and coming artists, who is obsessed with cross dressers and transsexuals. She has been for many years and has documented them with her own narcissistic photography . She is a woman who likes the effeminate men. I wonder if she has sex with any of them. Everyone thinks that I have sex with all the women that I photograph naked. I call Catholic Health Services to see if my Hepatitis C test came back.

I had to go to Providence Hospital because Catholic couldn't get any blood, as I have ruined all my veins being a junkie and shooting up so many pills that most junkies die before they get as bad as I had been. I thought I was so lucky because I had an unlimited supply. ThatÕs a lie. I would run out in two days from the prescriptions the doctors were giving me.

I was getting Morphine for my self-diagnosed Alcoholism. Anyway, every time I get an AIDS test my stomach turns to knots, and there always is a problem with my test. I didnÕt get one this time, as I hadnÕt had any sex period for almost two years. Unsafe sex, if any sex is safe anyway these days. What about your emotions. She hasnÕt called me since, and I would never dare call her ... IÕm wondering what to do the next time we have sex is going to be like. IÕm leaving it all up to her, regarding protection from a possible pregnancy , unless I find someone else. Lately, IÕve been so flirtatious, and when I do like someone, I scare her off from my obsessive phone calling. IÕm driven when I want something, I persist until I get it or I have destroyed any possibility of conquest.

Anyway, I call up the health department, and its been two weeks since the test. The Nurse tells me the preliminary test comes back right away, and the full report comes with more detail in it. She promises it will come in today. What is my number and they will call me back sometime soon. IÕm thinking that IÕve been so tired lately, every time I try to read, I fall asleep instantly.

My liver is that of a 70 year old practicing Alcoholic. That is what my doctor told me in 1982. What is it like now, I wonder. I have at least eight friends who have been diagnosed with Hepatitis C alone this year. I am waiting for that call.

Even if IÕve got it. What am I going to do? My friend says that she can control it now with her Vegetarian diet. I am anxiously waiting for that call. 5:46 pm, The nurse from health services called me to tell me the results of my blood tests.

I donÕt know what to think, but then when I was using drugs, I didnÕt care and I wanted to die. I'VE GOT HEP C!!!! I tested positive for Hep A, B, and C, but not Chronic D. A comes from food and water. Hep fucking C. I just made some calls to my closest friends. My sponsor says he was a guinea pig at the Veterans Administration Hospital 17 years ago, because he only has one half of a liver and they didnÕt know anything about the big Hep C back then. They were doing experiments on him. He was a pioneer and was actually in the death ward. All the patients next to him died and they wheeled them out on gurneys. He was only separated by some flimsy curtains. His eyes are yellow to this day and he has to wear special eye glasses. My Hepatitis B is positive, and she said the normal function is 1.0 and my levels are a little high at 2.3.

I think my Hepatitis D is 4.0 or 5. IÕm not sure. The nurse said she is going to read up on it, and they don't have any literature on Hep C ... IÕm testing positive for Hepatitis C, to what extent now, we don't know. My guess is IÕm going to have to take another test to find out if it is chronic. I told the nurse that I was a recovering addict for 12 years, meaning that I haven't had any drugs or alcohol of any kind for 12 years.

For Hepatitis C victims, people suffering from the side effects of the disease, they have to give you Interferon injections, because if you got it more than just being a carrier, it slowly deteriorates your liver, until it progresses to Liver Cancer and you get Cirrhosis.

The good news is and she sounded surprised that my cholesterol was low. Low is considered at 145 and mine was 122. Also my Triglycerides were low and that is body fats. She asked if I ate lots of fruits and vegetables. I said yes. I donÕt know about the vegetables.

I said the reason why I thought of getting the test was because of fatigue. She suggested that I take a short walk everyday. Monday she is going to call me. I pray that my Hep C is not chronic.

9.9.95 - 10:45 pm: I took Leila and her sister to my photography exhibition at Funks Democratic Coffee Club. Jim, my best friend, had set me up with this date. She is so young that I couldnÕt imagine anything happening. It was fun to watch her reaction to my photographs. I think her little sister was too young for my nude photographs. The guy at the coffee bar Mark mentioned that they had second hand Leicas for sale at a photo store two blocks away.

IÕm so compulsive that I immediately went there to buy one. Luckily he had sold them. He said that the lawyers are collecting them.

I took my niece and nephew swimming at my pool. I have only been swimming once in the 12 years that I have lived here. It was so quiet and peaceful that I donÕt know why I havenÕt spent more time at the pool. I thought it would be a great place to read my social work books. Too bad the pool closes down next week for the winter. My dad had suggested that I start a private practice drug counseling center in Chevy Chase, Maryland. He said I could rent a small two room office and advertise in the neighborhood newspapers. I would work about 5 hours a week while IÕm in school and word would travel about my services through parents who want their kids to get help.

We would advertise discreet confidential drug counseling/interventions, as IÕve had lots of experience in treating addicts. We would charge $50 to $60 per hour, and I could do this on Fridays, when IÕm not in school. My dad said that we are in the wealthiest area of Washington DC, and lots of parents need discreet counseling for their kids. These parents donÕt know what to do with them. When I get back from Paris we are going to look for office space.

I watered the yard, which I love doing. ItÕs a very soothing meditative practice. It then rained and I cooked hamburgers on the grill. My dad said the grandkids were out of control, and I agreed no one disciplines them. Bobby asked me to sponsor him at the meeting tonight. He said have you got 15 seconds. I said sure IÕll be your friend, you can call me anytime, even on this cell phone as late as you like. We can focus on any step, if you like.

9.10.95 - 10:03 am: I'm getting excited about starting my private practice. My friend Bill is celebrating two years clean tonight. He was one of the few drunk drivers that have made it. Meaning going to recovery support group meetings on a regular basis. IÕm going to give him a tank top with the slogan ÒBeyond your wildest dreams.Ó He asked when are you going to give me a good T-shirt. I guess he sees me giving some people some real good ones and he didn't particularly like the one he got last year or he wanted the one that I was wearing that day... IÕm also going to give him a let go and let Joe button.

Joe is a real inspiration and he is an Atheist. There is a saying let go and let God, it seems like IÕm writing my journal explaining things for other people who might read it, to give them a reference point. This is my first ever journal!!!!

11:13 a.m. I got a call from a woman who saw my show in Baltimore. She stated that she was in recovery, had breast cancer. She said she felt ugly or sad, or insecure about herself because of the operation on her breast and that maybe photographing her would make her feel better about herself as a woman.

I suggested that the guy who serves coffee at Funks also dabs in photography. Or to maybe go to the Maryland Institute of Arts and go to the photo department to have a student photograph her.

She never outright asked me, and I didnÕt offer, so she also told me she was 38 years old. I told that I would be 38 in two days. She just moved down from Philadelphia. I gave her AlexÕs phone number, who is a woman who knows photographers in Philadelphia. I never thought that my nude photography would help someone like this. My photographs are usually so harsh, that women say that my nudes are not flattering. I however think they are very representative of the person that I have captured artistically.

11:46 p.m. Pascal calls up and says that I hurt SusiesÕs feelings by making a comment about her 23 year old boyfriend. That she is twice his age. Susie is 43 something. R. calls to say she wants to go to the movies. We are going to The Brothers McMullen, which is the only movie I haven't seen yet at 2:15 p.m. I told R. to pick me up at 1:30.

9.18.95-11:08 Just back from Paris where I attended the 25th world convention for recovering addicts.

I met so many beautiful women from around the world I was going crazy. I not only got their phone numbers, but also their addresses. I told all of them to visit me. At least 30 women from Zurich, Greece, France, Belgium, Spain, Portugal, and Paris. It was like I never unpacked, just kept running every night until 3:00 a.m. Coffees, good food, amazing sights. Paris must be the most beautiful city in the world.

I bought many gifts for people and spent lots of cash. Or I should say I charged lots, but shit, I don't go to Paris often, and I still can't get over how much things cost.

My friend Stilpon was driving us around in his convertible red Alpha Romeo, and my other friend Tom from Missouri looks like Sammy Hagar. Everyone was staring, because they thought we were rock stars. My friend Tom is a Catholic Irish hippie and made up a new nickname for me: DIABLO. He has been trying to convert me to Christianity for years now, without any success.

We went into the Notre Dame cathedral and I lit a candle for him. I then asked him what were those animals or devil looking things that were on this church tower above us, guarding the people inside or whatever. It suddenly occurred to me how GOTHIC it all was.

11:18 p.m.: I guess IÕm going to share this first journal with Kathy, my mailart and stampart friend, as she is such a good writer, and appears to be so honest, with quite a sense of humor. I happen to be three weeks behind in my readings now and I think this journal is not required for my class but for students in another section. Kathy, to answer your question about Greece: My dad has a little house there and I go there in August to chill. He built it about 20 years ago. It is a long story but my dad is an American diplomat and we served in Greece twice. We are not Greek by blood, but have visited Greece for many years and my dadÕs dad was a diplomat in Greece too. My uncle married a Greek and translates Greek poetry at Princeton!

Leslie B. is completely out of the picture now. As soon as she got what she wanted, which was that taped interview I did of her for my book Addict Out of The Dark and into the Light.

I also don't like the odor of smoke and have to wash those clothes right away. Leslie B. is a chain smoker and her beauty overrode my principles about allowing smokers to smoke in my lair.

I just did four loads of laundry as soon as I got home from Paris. I also had to wash all those new T-shirts I bought, like 10! I also bought some CDs double the price here in the USA, but I think they would be imports here or real hard to find. Do you know the band Coil, Richard H. Kirk, ( Cabaret Voltaire), Christian Death, somehow I confused Christian Death with Skinny Puppy. As you might find out, I love all kinds of music and am obsessing on gothic industrial stuff to the extreme. Rozz Williams, and Gitano Demone, and Controlled Bleeding. Now that maybe I don't have to keep this journal, I wonder if I am going to keep it up. Maybe any letter I write from here on out should be added to this.

Jet lag can make you delirious. And I still have more mail to open and respond to.