All Photographs + Text Copyright 2012 Christopher Keeley

A Story of Continual Denial

-------Original Message------- From: L.

Sent: 06/13/03 04:53 AM To: Subject: Re: test only no need to view

Chris, it's L.was clean. [This was the title of her photograph that was on my website.] I hope you get this. Are you coming to San Diego July 4th? Also, is there some way you can edit my full name out of some of those photos on LJ? They're great, BTW. I sent them to my parents. Love, L.

----- Original Message ----- From: To: "L. Sent: Friday, June 13, 2003 3:16 AM Subject: Re: Re: suspected the worst Sorry about the titles on my photos and I call them what ever comes to mind. You know I love you. YES I will be in SD on July 4th, are we going to meet up. I didnÕt think you were doing too well as I heard you were in town from Bobby and didnÕt see or hear from you or see you in fellowship meetings, so I suspected the worst. So How the hell are you doing? Clean time? JOB? Boyfriend? Activities? Are you going to start your own LJ journal? Love Chris

-------Original Message------- From: L. You're right on all counts - Volunteers of America has a free(ish) 10 day detox and Dr. Bob has houses (sober living deals, loosely speaking) - one in the back alley of my house, actually. Problem with his houses is people are using in them. Thanks for your care and support, it's good to know there are a few consistently good people in my life.

Let me know the details on your travel agenda like hotel, etc? I know my way around San Diego and depending on my circumstances, which I hope and really do expect will be back on track by that time, I would be happy to be your tour guide. Plus, I have a big house. We can talk about it more later. I will say, as much as my situation looks grim and all too redundant, I find I bottom out quickly and find my way back to recovery sooner than say 10 years ago. I know it's there and I don't let false pride stand in the way of getting what I need. I have many loving, supportive, and concerned recovery buds here because I've kept coming back - and managed, God knows how, to get the help I need. Thanks again and much love, L.

P.S. those photos took me back to a great, if not the best, time in my life. I hold on to that, and I never forget, as you like to point out "coincidences", how you were an angel and a lifesaver at a time when I was ready. You were responsible for opening the door to a new way of life and for that I am eternally grateful and indebted to you.

----- Original Message ----- From: To: L. Sent: Friday, June 13, 2003 8:13 AM Subject: get help now

L: youÕre not making good decisions - get help now go to a fellowship of recovering addicts - get into detox go to a social free detox - go back to a sober living program ask Dr. Bob for help - do this today - too many are dying We donÕt want to lose you please get help - once you do you will see you made the right decision. Love Chris

-------Original Message------- From: L. Sent: 06/13/03 01:19 PM To:

Subject: Re: Re: suspected the worst

You're right, I wasn't doing well at Christmas. I've been out here 5 yrs. now and the first 2 1/2 were clean. Then I drank - didn't want to go to the streets for dope. I spent the last 2 years. relapsing on alcohol as a binge drinker. My family is up to date on everything and very supportive, but I just need to know I can trust you on the personal stuff.

About 8 months ago a dope connection (you've heard about the water soluble "tar" out here probably), fell in my lap through the program. I smoked tar for about 6 months. and checked into detox in Feb. '03. From there I went to a womenÕs' sober living in Encinitas for 90 days and was doing really well got a sponsor in AA and did AA meetings which I liked. I still have a solid support group in a fellowship of recovering addicts, but as you know, people have to stay away from users for their own good so it gets pretty lonely. I've worked, gone back to school and when I've been clean, had a really decent life.

Another guy in the fellowship who's on Morphine, Soma, and Valium for a severe back injury was pleading in a meeting for a place to stay. I happened to have a room for rent in my beautiful house. Obviously, there was a hidden agenda on my part and I feel sorry for people. I let the guy move in, Harley and all. First day he got here he passed out from a what was probably a 2-week coke smoking binge at the crack hotel he was staying in, and left all his drugs on a table in my living room. You can guess the rest. I'm back doing tar for about the past 3 weeks., still reaching out for help.

Thankfully, no alcohol (yet). I know this can't go on. I had just had the back of the house redone in hardwood floor and Berber carpet in the bedrooms, by a good friend in the program who's coming up on 10 years. The guy (tenant) put 4 burn holes in the brand new carpet and stains everywhere. He's not living here anymore. I've developed Sciatica severe lower back pain and IÕm doing over a gram a day just to not be in agony. Probably psychosomatic.

On a lighter note, I'm registered for the convention and am looking forward to seeing you. My home address is, SD, CA 92116 - home telephone 619- and my cell is 619- I live in the heart of San Diego in North Park, a trendy, happening, in-the-process-of-gentrification, much like Adams Morgan of the old days - but Southern CA style 'hood. Talk soon I hope, Love L.

From: L. To: "chris keeley" Sent: Monday, July 21, 2003 7:13 AM Subject: Fw: JFT - July 21_Surrender is for everyone

Hey, got your e-mail(s). My Kaiser coverage just came through thanks to Bill Clinton's HIPAA program - looks like I can do a med detox now for $200 deductible up to 10 days. I went for a day without last week 'cause my guy got picked up by the border patrol for green card issues. By the 24th hour. it was starting to get pretty brutal - puking and shitting at the same time - not real happy about doing that when the bathroom's about a mile away and public at VOA and they make you move which I also found very difficult in the 1st 24 - 48 hours.

I'll let you know what develops this week. Thanks for the Just for Today - I get it on-line too. Remarkably a propos.

Love, L.

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